Back to Bed for Me

Wellllll, all is still good...let me remind you I am CANCER FREE! I love to scream that every time I say it. :) I have had a little set back though. I started to have some body pain the day after I finished radiation. I was at a friend's house the next morning, twisted my ankle and fell, and the pain just worsened. It got so bad throughout the day that I ended up in the ER last night and came home this morning. They ran a bunch of tests and everything looked ok. I have an infection of some sort, maybe the flu. Between that, still coming off of radiation, and all I've been trying to do, my body just couldn't handle it and shut down. I'm in bed for the next 48 hrs. If the pain is not better by Monday I will call my dr. So needless to say, I had to cancel my Help-Portrait project for today. :( We WILL reschedule though!

While typing this I just got a very disturbing harassment call from a number that when we call back it says it's "disconnected". The guy knew my full name and acted as if we knew each other. I called the police to tell them what happened and they said they wanted to send someone over. Of course this was over an hr ago.

Thankfully I have the most amazing friends and community so I've had and still have someone with me at all times to help me and take care of the kids. Asher has tomorrow off...WOOHOO!

Please pray for my body and our protection. I'm not going to lie, I'm freaked out by this idiot that called.

It IS a Merry Christmas!

The best Christmas present ever....I am sitting with my beautiful children at home after a sweet reunion with them and my husband. The phone rings, it's my doctor, the results of my body scan are in, every thing looks perfect....I AM CANCER-FREE!!! Halleluia, Praise Jesus, You are Good! Merry Christmas to you all and a very Very Happy New Year!!!

Love,

Missy

Day 7: A Big Ole Thank YOU!

I did it! I made it through the 7 days of isolation! Today I just wanted to reflect on HOW I made it through and pay respects where they are due…

Thank you God for loving me, protecting me, blessing me, and comforting me. For giving me the endurance I needed to get through this treatment. For protecting my children and giving them a happy and fun environment to be in while we were away. For giving Asher’s mom the endurance she needs to take care of my children for a month! For keeping my husband strong for us all. For giving him the endurance he needed to get through this as well. Thank you for giving me the most wonderful community to love me and take care of me.

Thank you Asher, for being so strong for us. For making me feel so beautiful. For being patient with me. For encouraging me. For loving me so much and showing me God’s love through all of that. For being the best husband any girl could ever dream of.

Thank you to my doctors, who have made me truly feel I was being given the ultimate care. For answering all my repetitive and worrisome questions and for being so patient with me.

Thank you Mom and Dad, for calling me every day and telling me you love me. For walking with me every step of the way. For comforting me, encouraging me, and just being there.

Thank you Mama Karen, for walking with me through this and being here in spirit every step of the way, encouraging me, and loving me, even when you were dealing with your own cancer.

Thank you to my Mother-n-law and Father-n-law for taking such wonderful care of my children and for making them happy. For taking me in your home while I adjust to being off my medication and loving on me.

Thank you Paul and Talitha, for opening your home to me for a whole week! What a blessing to feel like you are at a bed and breakfast while going through treatment. My really nice environment, talitha taking such good care of me, checking on me, and just being here, truly made this time almost feel like a vacation.

Thank you to ALL of my wonderful, beautiful, generous, words just can’t describe enough, friends, who have brought me meals and other little surprises, for the many words of encouragement, the calls, the letters, the emails, the texts, and the comments. I truly have the best friends in the world.

Thank you to my incredible community. I have met so many people through this time and made so many friends. You all have encouraged and inspired me so much with your own stories, your comments, your emails, and all your acts of kindness. I truly feel blessed and loved so much!

I am at home now, waiting for Asher to drive up any time with our kids. The tears are streaming down my face with excitement and gratitude. All I can say is a big ole thank YOU!

Day 6: I HATE CANCER

Good news, bad news, one thing is for certain... God's love does prevail!

Yesterday, my mom's biopsy on her breast came back negative. Praise God!

Yesterday, a really close friend of mine finds out her grandmother has cancer and was given less than a year to live.

I really just have just three words to describe the day and I want to scream it...I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!

The walls are caving in. I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to kiss my husband and have his arms wrapped around me. I'm ready to squeeze Gaia and giggle with her. I'm ready to see Presley's bright smile and snuggle with him. I'm ready to get my body scan on Thursday and for them to tell me the cancer is gone. PLEASE pray that it is gone.

Even though I have found joy in so much during this time, the suffering still hurts. I'm ready for this to all be over. I'm ready to celebrate life this Christmas with my loved ones. I'm ready for the new year...for me, my family, and my friends. I truly believe it IS going to be a good year.

"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed." - Edgar Allan Poe

PS: Asher and our dear friend Randy are on their way to Little Rock right now to pick up our kids and tonight I'm going home. YAY! Tomorrow I can eat normal food again!! SUSHI! (well..i guess that's not really "normal" but it's my favorite and something I was strictly told not to eat during therapy)

Day 5: We Suffer. We Survive. We Speak.

I told my friend that brought me dinner Sunday night about the Help-Portrait project and how I was looking for that one special person to pamper and photograph. She said she had just the right person. I prayed about it and the next morning I woke up thinking about this woman. So I started planning the day. I went non-stop until midnight, full of energy, and got pretty much the whole day planned. We are ALL so excited!

Her name is Tracie Shelby. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I just found out while talking to her today that she is the Susan G. Komen Survivor of the Year! You can read her story at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tracieshelby I’m waiting until Saturday to hear her story from her.

We are going to start the day getting her a manicure and pedicure. We will then share our stories with each other. After that she will get a facial, hair and make-up done, and then I’ll do a photoshoot to show off her internal and external beauty. After we are done she will relax again for a massage. We will wrap up the day eating some yummy food, singing some songs by the Christmas tree and celebrating. We will celebrate our God, our stories, each other, and Stacie for bringing us all together by letting us show how loved and beautiful she is.

Stacie asked what she can do to help and I told her that a lot of people pampering her on Saturday have suffered and are still suffering from illnesses, past tragedies, and losses. Giving us the opportunity to love her and hear her story and share our own stories is doing so much for us. We are all so blessed to have this opportunity.

Our world is not hearing enough from the ones who are suffering. They need to hear the REAL story. Not only that, the ones suffering don't need to just feel like another "victim", they need to feel truely cared for, loved, and protected. This is why I LOVE the concept of Help-Portriat. I love that they are showing these people how special they really are and also giving them an opportunity to share their story, even if it's just to the people photographing them. A story that will be passed on and passed on.

We suffer. We survive. We speak.

We have some videographers documenting this day so stay tuned for a very powerful video where the scars tell the REAL story, the truth.

Day 4: Bad Day Turned Good

I’m entitled to a bad day right? Well, it actually was a good day, but started off bad. I woke up in pain…A LOT of pain. I’ve been having problems with my shoulder for a few weeks and the night before it started hurting again. I woke up with it hurting and by the afternoon I was in excruciating pain. Tylenol, heating pad, lying still for 2 hrs…nothing was helping. A friend came by and brought me an ice pack, visited with me, prayed for me and an hr later the pain is gone.

The rest of the day was good. I spent the day praying…for a lot of you..and I hope you felt the love! I’m basically going through all my friends on Facebook…reading your statuses and praying specifically for you and your family. I have 750 friends on there and spent 2 1/2 hrs just praying for last names that start with an A or B. So I’m averaging an hr per letter. It’s going to take a few more days to get through the whole alphabet.

Speaking of a few more days…my drs orders contrary to what they told me at the hospital, I have to stay isolated for the full 7 days. I’m ok with that. If the ones at the hospital hadn’t said just 4 days it probably wouldn’t have made me and Asher stop to think about getting our kids back earlier. Well since I started my treatment a day early it worked out that Asher can get the kids on his day off Wednesday, the 7^th day of having to be in isolation. So Thursday morning we will all me together when we wake up and free to hug and love one another. I can’t wait!!! What a wonderful way to step out of isolation. Also…if we had waited until Saturday like originally planned to get the kids, then I would not have been able to be a part of Help-Portrait.

Here are my top 3 favorite facebook statuses I prayed for yesterday....

“just watched a young man in his 20's throw 6 packs of enemas in his grocery cart. Things that make you go hmmm?” -I prayed God will relieve him of all the crap built up in him. Pun intended. God has a sense of humor, right?

“Everything sad is coming untrue” -five words that sums up how I’ve been feeling.

"God definitely has a sense of timing...It looks like we are leaving December 9th. We will get Kayden on December 12th, which is our wedding anniversary. Also, our tentative appointment for our US Consulate appointment is December 22nd. This is when Kayden will become an official US citizen. It also happens to be his 3rd birthday!! Then we arrive home on Christmas Day!! -

-This is a good friend of our family. I look up to him and his family SO much. They are such an inspiration. They have 3 kids from birth, an adopted child from China, and are in the process of adopting another child from China. A child missing both his legs, but on his way to live a wonderful adventurous life full of love. Check out their blog…Our Journey to Kayden

Day 3: The Beauty of Scars

The 2^nd day took quite a bit out of me. Sharing my story and being freed from the 20 yrs of feeling imprisoned in my own skin was pretty monumental. So Day 3 I spent the day reflecting back on that. Thank you all who took the time to read it. I know that took a lot of time to read through and it means so much that you care to do so. Thank you all who wrote me a note in response. To see how God is already working in people’s lives through my story brings so much joy to my heart.

This day, I also contacted a few people to find a cancer patient to photograph for Help-Portrait on Saturday. If you don’t know about this, PLEASE watch this video on it..

My friends have pampered me and made me feel so beautiful even though I have a long scar on my neck and look tired and sick. Even though I’ve been fighting a deadly disease, I have felt so alive. I want to do this for someone else on Saturday. Please pray that I will find the perfect girl for that.

Love,

Missy

Day 1: Glow Worm

Yesterday my dad asked me after taking the pill if I was glowing from being radioactive. I laughed and said, “No, but I’m glowing from the joy that is in me right now.” God had already taken away the two miseries I was dreading the most.

1. I was only at the hospital for 1 ½ hours to take the pill and then was sent home. My dr. had told me to plan on staying at the hospital all day. I had been dreading that.

2. I only have to be in isolation for 4 days!! Soo…with my treatment starting a day earlier AND not having to stay 7 days means I can get my kids earlier! I miss them so much and thinking about not seeing them for another 9 days was making me so sad.

So this treatment so far is a piece of cake. I’m really nauseous from the pill and extremely tired from the nausea medicine, but I’m still basking in all the glory.

Am I glowing? Yep, I was given the name “glow worm” and it seems to be fitting in every way. J

Where is God?

Last December- My grandfather lost his wife to cancer (a lady he married less than a year ago after losing my grandmother to cancer just the year before).

January- My brother suffered from being robbed and shot twice (in the chest and stomach).

August- My mom was diagnosed with skin cancer.

September- I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

November- My mom needs a biopsy to see if she has breast cancer.

This is just the suffering of my immediate family in the last year. I didn’t mention all the suffering going out in my extended family, my close friends, my community, and beyond. It’s everywhere I turn. Where is God?

I’m writing this in hopes that people who read this, who are also suffering right now, will find encouragement through my experience. I’m not a theologian, I don’t read the Bible every day. I don’t trust God all the time. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I’m just girl whose faith has gotten her where she is today with a smile on her face. A girl who has suffered, who has survived, and who wants to speak.

I’ll be honest, there are days I think to myself, “I’m a fool, God is no where in this. If He really loved me, I would not be suffering so much. If He was a loving God, my family and friends would not be suffering so much.

The philosopher, Peter Kreeft, said,

“The Christian God came to earth to deliberately put himself on the hook of human suffering. In Jesus Christ, God experienced the greatest depths of pain. Therefore, though Christianity does not provide the reason for each experience of pain, it provides deep resources for actually facing suffering with hope and courage rather than bitterness and despair.”

So where is God? God is in the suffering. He has suffered for us and suffers with us so that we can see Him and His love. This morning at church, the pastor used a great analogy of dancing to express how to allow Jesus to suffer with you. If dancing along to songs with an upbeat tempo represents times in our life when we are experiencing happy rejoicing, there is also the slow songs, when we are invited to find hope and joy in our suffering. Dancing to the slow song with Jesus allows us to grow more, and to find a more intimate connection with Christ. That sweet beautiful visual made me realize the last few days, I was dancing without a partner and feeling sorry for myself when all along, Jesus was right there, asking me to dance.

I left my children in Dallas with my in-laws on Thanksgiving day. They will be there for 2 weeks so I can do the treatment. Radiation starts Friday and I’ll be in isolation through Dec. 10^th. Even though I will be stripped of almost everything I love while in isolation for 7 days, I know I will not be suffering alone. Jesus will be right there with me “dancing to the slow song”. I’m going to use this time to reflect on what He is doing in my life. I know He has a magnificent plan for me and I am so eager to know what that is. There is SO much I want to do this next year and it is so overwhelming thinking about whether these wants are part of His plan or not. So I am asking my prayer warriors to join me in praying specifically those 7 days that I will allow God to be present the whole time and that the enemy will not interfere, that my heart and mind will be open to hear His voice, and that I will come out of this with the courage to face whatever He has planned for me.

Thank you!

Love,

Missy

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

"What do you need?”

“Please let know if there is anything you need.”

“I wish I knew what your needs are.”

These are just a few phrases I have heard over and over again since making the announcement that I have cancer. Just hearing these questions has fulfilled a huge need: the need to know that people genuinely care and want to help me through this.

I am so thankful for the love that is in the generous words and actions from our community. We have had meals provided almost every day for the last month and will continue to be provided through my treatment. My children have been taken care of and will continue to be through my treatment. I’ve been spoiled with messages, pampering of friends, time for rest, etc. Not to mention ALL the prayers going up for me. I have truly felt loved! Thank you all so very much.

I do need some specific prayer for decisions I need to make before treatment. I have been planning to use my own bedroom and bathroom for 7 days during treatment. No one else can share them with me. Our bedroom is VERY small and has carpet. I often wake up with a sore throat and stuffy because of the dust that settles over time. So I’m worried what that is going to be like if I’m stuck there 7 days. Also, my children will be back in Nashville halfway through treatment. It’s going to kill me not to see them knowing they are in the next room. So, an incredible friend of mine offered her house for me to stay in. She has a nice guest room and a bathroom with my dream bathtub (I love to take baths). :) If I do that, I don’t have to worry about waking up sick, and I will have more room to move around. My husband will not have to sleep on our super uncomfortable couch. And, my kids can stay in the comfort of their own home and I won’t be tempted to walk out of the bedroom to rescue them if I hear them crying. Now I just need to figure out how to make it all work and make sure it's the best decision for everyone. Please pray that this will work out smoothly for everyone involved.

The biggest need I have right now is one that only God can give: ENDURANCE! I’m in the 2nd week of being off my medication. I’m thankful to currently be in Dallas with Asher’s mom where she is helping me with the kids so I can rest. I am so tired I can barely stand it. I really want to maximize time with my kids this week because I’ll be leaving them here and will not see them until after my treatment…so I'll be away from them for 2 weeks!! The thought of that breaks my heart. So between physically being tired and emotionally torn, I am just in desperate need of God’s strength to help me get through this. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad I want this to all be over.

While the challenge of the surgery is over, and while this treatment will restore things for the most part, unfortunately, there are a couple aspects of the experience that are not going to be over for a long time if at all. I have to make sure I don’t get pregnant in at least a year because it could be very dangerous. So, major decisions to be made there. I know that doesn’t sound like much; it’s just a year, but this whole experience makes me evaluate having a family in a different light. Asher and I have always dreamed of having three of four of our own and even adopting a couple kids as well. After my surgery, I was told that I have a 15% chance of cancer coming back sometime in my life. What if it does and God decides to take me home? How many kids will I be leaving without a mother and for Asher to raise without me? I know this sounds like hopeless thoughts, and I know that God has always had the option of taking me home, but I can’t help to think about this sometimes. I am becoming more and more okay with stopping at two kids. I have been so blessed with two beautiful healthy children and want to spend the rest of my life focusing on being the best mom I know how to be and loving them with every ounce of me. Asher and I have also had on our hearts in the last year to go to Africa and work with street kids this next year. Maybe God has adoption in the works instead of getting pregnant. Who knows? Anyway, all this to say…. some big decisions to make and things to take in consideration when it comes to expanding our family. The good thing is that we have at least a year to pray about it and let God guide those decisions.

So again, I need endurance! I AM SO OVERWHELMED!! Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.

God, please let me just give all my worries to you, trust that you are giving us grace for many things right now, including the ability to make decisions. Above all this, let me continue to pour out my gratitude for the hundreds of ways that I am loved by you, especially through my friends and family, their prayers, words, and deeds.

Love,
Missy

Wiping the Slate Clean

Friday, I had a follow-up appointment with a new endocrinologist. She works closely with my surgeon, which is why I switched to her. She’s great! Asher and I both really like her a lot. Once again, I feel like I am being given the best treatment. She went over the pathology results in detail. Basically the cancer was in the left side of my thyroid and had moved up the thyroid cavity, but it hadn't spread outside the thyroid!! My surgeon had taken 11 lymph nodes out and they all tested negative for cancer. Now I just have to do a relatively small radioiodine treatment to wipe the slate clean. So essentially, this means NO MORE THYROID CANCER!!

So, here’s the treatment process that I’ll be going through. Monday, Nov.9th, I will stop taking my thyroid medicine, and will be off it for 3 weeks. Since 3 days without thyroid hormone makes me feel crazy, it certainly won’t be fun to go 3 weeks without it. On December 4th, I start treatment, where I’ll be taking a radioiodine pill that will kill any remaining thyroid cells. Since I’ll be radioactive with this treatment, I’ll have very limited contact with adults, and no contact with children, for about a week. So, if you have any good suggestions for TV shows or books, please let me know.

We’re trying to figure out where the kids are going during all this. We’re planning to go to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with Asher’s family, and it looks like we’ll leave the kids there during my treatment.

After the treatment, they will do a couple scans. There’s a body scan to see if cancer is anywhere else (which they are sure it’s not…. this is just precautionary). And there’s another scan to make sure they got all the thyroid cells. I still have a 15% chance of cancer coming back sometime in my life, but we are going to have faith that it doesn’t!

The last couple of days have been so great! I have had so much joy and hope! I haven’t felt this in a loooong time. I really do have a wonderful family and community. My recovery has been a little rough as I’ve felt pretty nauseous, but I’ve had sooo much help! My parents were here for the first week. Asher has had this last week off from work to help out. We have had a meal brought to us almost every day and have meals scheduled for the next two weeks! I’ve had so many friends dropping by to spend time with me and/or the kids. Not to mention all the prayers and encouraging messages!! I feel so blessed and grateful to be fighting this with so many people who love me. Thank you all so much!

LOTS OF LOVE,

Missy

Pathology Results

God is Good! Thank you for all the prayers! The pathology test came back negative. The cancer has NOT spread to my lymph nodes! The kind of cancer the test showed is papillary which is the most common and most treatable kind. So, the outcome of all this looks like it will be a good one, but the journey isn't over.

I will still have to do the radioiodine therapy to kill any cancer cells that might be in the tissue. I will also have to have a body scan done to see if it has spread anywhere else in my body. I see an endocrinologist on Friday to find out when I have to get all this done. I will have to be in the hospital in isolation for a few days because I'll be radioactive. Then I will have to be away from my kids a few more days. I'm dreading all this more than anything. Prior to the treatment I will have to be off my medication for at least two weeks. I've been on this medication, synthroid, my whole life and when I am off of it for more than a few days I feel like I'm going crazy. I become extremely fatigued, have awful headaches, have a hard time concentrating, and become pretty depressed. So being off of my medication for two weeks scares me.

My recovery so far has been pretty rough. The first few days my throat was pretty sore, but it feels MUCH better now. I still have to be careful about talking because my vocal cords are pretty weak. The worse part right now is being nauseous all the time, aching, having headaches, and really dizzy. My surgeon thinks its from the calcium deficiency.

Feeling this way and knowing what the next several weeks are going to be like makes me pretty depressed. I really hope I'm not stuck in the hospital or in bed over Thanksgiving. More than anything right now I want to go to Dallas and see our family like we planned. I just don't know at this point if I'm going to be able to do that. I guess we'll find out on Friday.

Even though I'm going through a rough patch right now, I still feel extremely blessed. God has showered me with so much love through my friends and family. For that I am forever thankful.

Surgery Update

OK, so a more thorough update... *(This is Asher, Missy's husband, posting this...)

Surgery is over and afterwards, we spoke with the surgeon. She removed Missy’s thyroid gland and a couple of lymph nodes. Initial pathology verified 100% (vs 95% from the biopsy) that it was thyroid cancer. We will not know until Friday the results of the complete path report which will identify the exact type of cancer: they suspect it may be a more aggressive case than normal. The pathology test on the removed lymph nodes will identify if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, which would indicate the possibility of whether the cancer has spread to other parts of the body; however, it does not necessarily rule it out. Missy will have to go back into the hospital in about a month to get a radioiodine treatment and a body scan. The body scan will verify if there has been any spread or not. We had hoped that we would find out that there was no spread, but it looks like we still have to wait. Because of the fact that thyroid cancer is a slow growing type, there is optimism that if it has indeed spread, it should still be very much treatable.

Thankfully, Missy's vocal chords sound undamaged. Also, our doctor is a champ: we couldn't be happier with her. We are happy that Missy's scar is very small (maybe 4-5" long along the base of her neck, just about where a t-shirt comes up to. We are so thankful to have family and friends here helping out, and Gaia and Presley seem unphased by what's going on.

It seems that the difficult part is over with (at least in terms of what is difficult for the doctors). The next month or so will be difficult for Missy. She'll need to soon be off her thyroid medication, and in a month, will do the scan and radioiodine treatment, which will basically mean she's radioactive for a few days, so no one can get near her, and it will leave her feeling pretty "puny," in the words of the doctor. Hopefully, that will be all that is required, but it's very much a "wait & see" kinda thing...

I'm reminded of CS Lewis, and his words, "It's not that we are doubting that God has the best in store for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."

Please continue your prayers and support of Missy. Her biggest blessing lately, and really a huge source of strength, is kind words and gestures from friends. You all have no idea how much mileage we get out of every little facebook comment, email, phone call, or visit. Thank you!

We love you,

Asher

Ready. Set. Go.

Well, it’s time. I need my prayer warriors! I go in tomorrow morning to Baptist hospital at 10:30am for the surgery and to find out the extent of the cancer. There is still a 5% chance that it’s benign. We are praying for that! The surgeon wasn’t very hopeful about that 5%, but our God is bigger than cancer and therefore I’m hopeful.

The last month has been an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve been surrounded with so many friends and family lifting me up through prayer and encouragement that it’s hard not to stay positive. However, the enemy has done all he can to bring me down with dark thoughts and doubts. My biggest fear through all this was abandoning my family. What if the Lord decided to take me home early? I pretty much told Him that I didn’t want to go home to Him, that my life on earth was better than that. Of course, that goes against what I really believe. The real story there is that I feared leaving my family with no one to take care of them. I need to be the one to take care of everyone. Wednesday, our church and Gaia’s school, St. Bartholomew’s, held a prayer service for me where Father Jerry and Rev. Dixon anointed me with oil. During that time I realized that I was only partially trusting God. I know whatever happens with this cancer that God is going to take care of me. However, I didn’t trust Him in taking care of my family. He spoke to me during this service and for the first time I was at complete peace knowing that whatever happens tomorrow, next year, 10 years from now, my family is in His hands. He will love them and protect them better than I could ever dream of. So now I feel like I’m ready for tomorrow. God is in control. I’m set. Go.

Good Day

This morning I woke up and actually wanted to get out of bed and start my day. The day was great. I was happy, joyful, and hopeful. I've had 3 good meals and have an apple crisp baking in the oven right now!! I am feeling the prayers and feel so blessed. Quite opposite to yesterday. I slept until 1pm, didn't eat until 7pm. I was depressed and angry all day. How I felt contradicted how I thought I should feel. I spoke to a friend last night and he encouraged me to worship God during this time. I told him I couldn't right now. I couldn't even bring myself to go to church on Sunday. I hate feeling that way because I know God loves me and is there to help me through this. I just wasn't ready to accept it. I know He was okay with that too. He knew I would come around. :) I did, and it was a good day.

My Tattoo and Army

4 years ago I got a tattoo on my arm with the words “Rock N Soul” forming a cross. People ask what does it mean. Without sounding to cliche it sums up my testimony of how the rock (our Savior) keeps my soul alive. I have had quite the challenging life that has left my soul damaged and scarred. If it wasn’t for the Rock I don’t believe there would be anything left to my soul.

When I was 7 years old the scarring began. I was the youngest of what at that time became a single parent family. Abandoned. No longer loved. Punished. That’s how I felt. I didn’t understand. My dad remarried a year later to a lady who today I call my best friend. So I never lived a day since without feeling loved. However, I feared that love will go away and I would be abandoned again. My stepmother and father took me to church every Sunday where I learned about the love of Christ. A love that does not end, that does not abandon, that is not conditional. If it wasn’t for that love, I don’t believe I would have made it through the challenges that would await me. He has pulled me through a traumatic life of abandonment, multiple accounts of abuse, and medical issues. He IS my Savior. He is the rock in my soul.

If it wasn’t for the Rock, I would not be able to deal with a new challenge I am facing right now…cancer. When I was 8 years old, my pediatrician found a goiter in my throat. That’s when they discovered I had Hashimoto’s Disease (hypothyroidism). Basically my thyroid doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormones which affects my heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and weight. So I have to take a pill (synthroid) every day for the rest of my life. When I was in college, the doctor found another lump on my thyroid. This lump turned out to be benign. Two months ago, I went for a thyroid check up and the doctor found another lump. He ordered an ultrasound which came back showing a tumor very suspicious of cancer. I then had 5 biopsies of the tumor that confirmed I have thyroid cancer. On Oct. 20th, I will have my thyroid removed. My husband and I met with the surgeon this week, who we both really feel great about, and she explained the results and the risks. She believes I’ve had cancer now for a long time, for years. It is a slow growing cancer and the damage it is going to do would have been done by now. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if it spread to my lymph nodes and I have to get those removed. Because of having Hashimoto’s disease, I am at higher risk of losing part of my voice through this and becoming extremely calcium deficient, I would ache a lot. They will do another biopsy of part of my thyroid when they remove it. If it is malignant, I will have to do a radioiodine treatment which is just taking a pill that doesn’t have side effects like making me sick or losing my hair. After the treatment, they will do a body scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else.

That’s the bad news. The good news is 1. there is a small chance that it will be benign. In that case, I go home cancer free. 2. I have the best thyroid surgeon in town. She has done this for 17 years and never lost a patient to thyroid cancer.

So needless to say, I am facing one of the hardest challenges yet. As if I’m not dealing with enough already, I’m feeling attacked by evil thoughts. Thoughts that have entered my mind in the past of “I must have done something to deserve this”, “I’m being punished for something”, and “I’m now causing so much pain for others”. These are just a few of the awful thoughts that race through my head. Then I have my fears, fear that the cancer will come back and in a bad way…fear that my husband will be left alone to raise our children…..fear that my children will grow up without their mother…fear of having more children in case it does come back. I know all these thoughts and fears are wrong and ridiculous, but I guess its all a part of dealing with this. So more than anything right now I need the Rock in my soul to keep me grounded. To help me fight this battle of sickness and evil. Just recently I have a friend that lives in Israel call me and tell me that I am one step ahead in fighting this because I have my faith. Through that God has given me a huge army of friends and family to join me in this battle. I have struggled with anxiety for years and last night I had my first anxiety attack since finding out I have cancer. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later and I was so scared of being alone with my kids when it did. I wasn’t. I had the arms of my husband, my dad, and my father in Heaven wrapped around me and for the first time I truly felt like everything is going to be ok. I am loved. Jesus loves me so much and has given me so many friends and family that love me. It’s that love that is going to carrying me through this.

Thank you all who are part of that rock in my soul, who are in my army. I will be reminded of you every time I see my tattoo.