Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

"What do you need?”

“Please let know if there is anything you need.”

“I wish I knew what your needs are.”

These are just a few phrases I have heard over and over again since making the announcement that I have cancer. Just hearing these questions has fulfilled a huge need: the need to know that people genuinely care and want to help me through this.

I am so thankful for the love that is in the generous words and actions from our community. We have had meals provided almost every day for the last month and will continue to be provided through my treatment. My children have been taken care of and will continue to be through my treatment. I’ve been spoiled with messages, pampering of friends, time for rest, etc. Not to mention ALL the prayers going up for me. I have truly felt loved! Thank you all so very much.

I do need some specific prayer for decisions I need to make before treatment. I have been planning to use my own bedroom and bathroom for 7 days during treatment. No one else can share them with me. Our bedroom is VERY small and has carpet. I often wake up with a sore throat and stuffy because of the dust that settles over time. So I’m worried what that is going to be like if I’m stuck there 7 days. Also, my children will be back in Nashville halfway through treatment. It’s going to kill me not to see them knowing they are in the next room. So, an incredible friend of mine offered her house for me to stay in. She has a nice guest room and a bathroom with my dream bathtub (I love to take baths). :) If I do that, I don’t have to worry about waking up sick, and I will have more room to move around. My husband will not have to sleep on our super uncomfortable couch. And, my kids can stay in the comfort of their own home and I won’t be tempted to walk out of the bedroom to rescue them if I hear them crying. Now I just need to figure out how to make it all work and make sure it's the best decision for everyone. Please pray that this will work out smoothly for everyone involved.

The biggest need I have right now is one that only God can give: ENDURANCE! I’m in the 2nd week of being off my medication. I’m thankful to currently be in Dallas with Asher’s mom where she is helping me with the kids so I can rest. I am so tired I can barely stand it. I really want to maximize time with my kids this week because I’ll be leaving them here and will not see them until after my treatment…so I'll be away from them for 2 weeks!! The thought of that breaks my heart. So between physically being tired and emotionally torn, I am just in desperate need of God’s strength to help me get through this. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad I want this to all be over.

While the challenge of the surgery is over, and while this treatment will restore things for the most part, unfortunately, there are a couple aspects of the experience that are not going to be over for a long time if at all. I have to make sure I don’t get pregnant in at least a year because it could be very dangerous. So, major decisions to be made there. I know that doesn’t sound like much; it’s just a year, but this whole experience makes me evaluate having a family in a different light. Asher and I have always dreamed of having three of four of our own and even adopting a couple kids as well. After my surgery, I was told that I have a 15% chance of cancer coming back sometime in my life. What if it does and God decides to take me home? How many kids will I be leaving without a mother and for Asher to raise without me? I know this sounds like hopeless thoughts, and I know that God has always had the option of taking me home, but I can’t help to think about this sometimes. I am becoming more and more okay with stopping at two kids. I have been so blessed with two beautiful healthy children and want to spend the rest of my life focusing on being the best mom I know how to be and loving them with every ounce of me. Asher and I have also had on our hearts in the last year to go to Africa and work with street kids this next year. Maybe God has adoption in the works instead of getting pregnant. Who knows? Anyway, all this to say…. some big decisions to make and things to take in consideration when it comes to expanding our family. The good thing is that we have at least a year to pray about it and let God guide those decisions.

So again, I need endurance! I AM SO OVERWHELMED!! Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.

God, please let me just give all my worries to you, trust that you are giving us grace for many things right now, including the ability to make decisions. Above all this, let me continue to pour out my gratitude for the hundreds of ways that I am loved by you, especially through my friends and family, their prayers, words, and deeds.

Love,
Missy