Where is God?

Last December- My grandfather lost his wife to cancer (a lady he married less than a year ago after losing my grandmother to cancer just the year before).

January- My brother suffered from being robbed and shot twice (in the chest and stomach).

August- My mom was diagnosed with skin cancer.

September- I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

November- My mom needs a biopsy to see if she has breast cancer.

This is just the suffering of my immediate family in the last year. I didn’t mention all the suffering going out in my extended family, my close friends, my community, and beyond. It’s everywhere I turn. Where is God?

I’m writing this in hopes that people who read this, who are also suffering right now, will find encouragement through my experience. I’m not a theologian, I don’t read the Bible every day. I don’t trust God all the time. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I’m just girl whose faith has gotten her where she is today with a smile on her face. A girl who has suffered, who has survived, and who wants to speak.

I’ll be honest, there are days I think to myself, “I’m a fool, God is no where in this. If He really loved me, I would not be suffering so much. If He was a loving God, my family and friends would not be suffering so much.

The philosopher, Peter Kreeft, said,

“The Christian God came to earth to deliberately put himself on the hook of human suffering. In Jesus Christ, God experienced the greatest depths of pain. Therefore, though Christianity does not provide the reason for each experience of pain, it provides deep resources for actually facing suffering with hope and courage rather than bitterness and despair.”

So where is God? God is in the suffering. He has suffered for us and suffers with us so that we can see Him and His love. This morning at church, the pastor used a great analogy of dancing to express how to allow Jesus to suffer with you. If dancing along to songs with an upbeat tempo represents times in our life when we are experiencing happy rejoicing, there is also the slow songs, when we are invited to find hope and joy in our suffering. Dancing to the slow song with Jesus allows us to grow more, and to find a more intimate connection with Christ. That sweet beautiful visual made me realize the last few days, I was dancing without a partner and feeling sorry for myself when all along, Jesus was right there, asking me to dance.

I left my children in Dallas with my in-laws on Thanksgiving day. They will be there for 2 weeks so I can do the treatment. Radiation starts Friday and I’ll be in isolation through Dec. 10^th. Even though I will be stripped of almost everything I love while in isolation for 7 days, I know I will not be suffering alone. Jesus will be right there with me “dancing to the slow song”. I’m going to use this time to reflect on what He is doing in my life. I know He has a magnificent plan for me and I am so eager to know what that is. There is SO much I want to do this next year and it is so overwhelming thinking about whether these wants are part of His plan or not. So I am asking my prayer warriors to join me in praying specifically those 7 days that I will allow God to be present the whole time and that the enemy will not interfere, that my heart and mind will be open to hear His voice, and that I will come out of this with the courage to face whatever He has planned for me.

Thank you!

Love,

Missy

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

"What do you need?”

“Please let know if there is anything you need.”

“I wish I knew what your needs are.”

These are just a few phrases I have heard over and over again since making the announcement that I have cancer. Just hearing these questions has fulfilled a huge need: the need to know that people genuinely care and want to help me through this.

I am so thankful for the love that is in the generous words and actions from our community. We have had meals provided almost every day for the last month and will continue to be provided through my treatment. My children have been taken care of and will continue to be through my treatment. I’ve been spoiled with messages, pampering of friends, time for rest, etc. Not to mention ALL the prayers going up for me. I have truly felt loved! Thank you all so very much.

I do need some specific prayer for decisions I need to make before treatment. I have been planning to use my own bedroom and bathroom for 7 days during treatment. No one else can share them with me. Our bedroom is VERY small and has carpet. I often wake up with a sore throat and stuffy because of the dust that settles over time. So I’m worried what that is going to be like if I’m stuck there 7 days. Also, my children will be back in Nashville halfway through treatment. It’s going to kill me not to see them knowing they are in the next room. So, an incredible friend of mine offered her house for me to stay in. She has a nice guest room and a bathroom with my dream bathtub (I love to take baths). :) If I do that, I don’t have to worry about waking up sick, and I will have more room to move around. My husband will not have to sleep on our super uncomfortable couch. And, my kids can stay in the comfort of their own home and I won’t be tempted to walk out of the bedroom to rescue them if I hear them crying. Now I just need to figure out how to make it all work and make sure it's the best decision for everyone. Please pray that this will work out smoothly for everyone involved.

The biggest need I have right now is one that only God can give: ENDURANCE! I’m in the 2nd week of being off my medication. I’m thankful to currently be in Dallas with Asher’s mom where she is helping me with the kids so I can rest. I am so tired I can barely stand it. I really want to maximize time with my kids this week because I’ll be leaving them here and will not see them until after my treatment…so I'll be away from them for 2 weeks!! The thought of that breaks my heart. So between physically being tired and emotionally torn, I am just in desperate need of God’s strength to help me get through this. I can’t even begin to tell you how bad I want this to all be over.

While the challenge of the surgery is over, and while this treatment will restore things for the most part, unfortunately, there are a couple aspects of the experience that are not going to be over for a long time if at all. I have to make sure I don’t get pregnant in at least a year because it could be very dangerous. So, major decisions to be made there. I know that doesn’t sound like much; it’s just a year, but this whole experience makes me evaluate having a family in a different light. Asher and I have always dreamed of having three of four of our own and even adopting a couple kids as well. After my surgery, I was told that I have a 15% chance of cancer coming back sometime in my life. What if it does and God decides to take me home? How many kids will I be leaving without a mother and for Asher to raise without me? I know this sounds like hopeless thoughts, and I know that God has always had the option of taking me home, but I can’t help to think about this sometimes. I am becoming more and more okay with stopping at two kids. I have been so blessed with two beautiful healthy children and want to spend the rest of my life focusing on being the best mom I know how to be and loving them with every ounce of me. Asher and I have also had on our hearts in the last year to go to Africa and work with street kids this next year. Maybe God has adoption in the works instead of getting pregnant. Who knows? Anyway, all this to say…. some big decisions to make and things to take in consideration when it comes to expanding our family. The good thing is that we have at least a year to pray about it and let God guide those decisions.

So again, I need endurance! I AM SO OVERWHELMED!! Decisions, Decisions, Decisions.

God, please let me just give all my worries to you, trust that you are giving us grace for many things right now, including the ability to make decisions. Above all this, let me continue to pour out my gratitude for the hundreds of ways that I am loved by you, especially through my friends and family, their prayers, words, and deeds.

Love,
Missy