Good Day

This morning I woke up and actually wanted to get out of bed and start my day. The day was great. I was happy, joyful, and hopeful. I've had 3 good meals and have an apple crisp baking in the oven right now!! I am feeling the prayers and feel so blessed. Quite opposite to yesterday. I slept until 1pm, didn't eat until 7pm. I was depressed and angry all day. How I felt contradicted how I thought I should feel. I spoke to a friend last night and he encouraged me to worship God during this time. I told him I couldn't right now. I couldn't even bring myself to go to church on Sunday. I hate feeling that way because I know God loves me and is there to help me through this. I just wasn't ready to accept it. I know He was okay with that too. He knew I would come around. :) I did, and it was a good day.

My Tattoo and Army

4 years ago I got a tattoo on my arm with the words “Rock N Soul” forming a cross. People ask what does it mean. Without sounding to cliche it sums up my testimony of how the rock (our Savior) keeps my soul alive. I have had quite the challenging life that has left my soul damaged and scarred. If it wasn’t for the Rock I don’t believe there would be anything left to my soul.

When I was 7 years old the scarring began. I was the youngest of what at that time became a single parent family. Abandoned. No longer loved. Punished. That’s how I felt. I didn’t understand. My dad remarried a year later to a lady who today I call my best friend. So I never lived a day since without feeling loved. However, I feared that love will go away and I would be abandoned again. My stepmother and father took me to church every Sunday where I learned about the love of Christ. A love that does not end, that does not abandon, that is not conditional. If it wasn’t for that love, I don’t believe I would have made it through the challenges that would await me. He has pulled me through a traumatic life of abandonment, multiple accounts of abuse, and medical issues. He IS my Savior. He is the rock in my soul.

If it wasn’t for the Rock, I would not be able to deal with a new challenge I am facing right now…cancer. When I was 8 years old, my pediatrician found a goiter in my throat. That’s when they discovered I had Hashimoto’s Disease (hypothyroidism). Basically my thyroid doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormones which affects my heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature, and weight. So I have to take a pill (synthroid) every day for the rest of my life. When I was in college, the doctor found another lump on my thyroid. This lump turned out to be benign. Two months ago, I went for a thyroid check up and the doctor found another lump. He ordered an ultrasound which came back showing a tumor very suspicious of cancer. I then had 5 biopsies of the tumor that confirmed I have thyroid cancer. On Oct. 20th, I will have my thyroid removed. My husband and I met with the surgeon this week, who we both really feel great about, and she explained the results and the risks. She believes I’ve had cancer now for a long time, for years. It is a slow growing cancer and the damage it is going to do would have been done by now. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if it spread to my lymph nodes and I have to get those removed. Because of having Hashimoto’s disease, I am at higher risk of losing part of my voice through this and becoming extremely calcium deficient, I would ache a lot. They will do another biopsy of part of my thyroid when they remove it. If it is malignant, I will have to do a radioiodine treatment which is just taking a pill that doesn’t have side effects like making me sick or losing my hair. After the treatment, they will do a body scan to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else.

That’s the bad news. The good news is 1. there is a small chance that it will be benign. In that case, I go home cancer free. 2. I have the best thyroid surgeon in town. She has done this for 17 years and never lost a patient to thyroid cancer.

So needless to say, I am facing one of the hardest challenges yet. As if I’m not dealing with enough already, I’m feeling attacked by evil thoughts. Thoughts that have entered my mind in the past of “I must have done something to deserve this”, “I’m being punished for something”, and “I’m now causing so much pain for others”. These are just a few of the awful thoughts that race through my head. Then I have my fears, fear that the cancer will come back and in a bad way…fear that my husband will be left alone to raise our children…..fear that my children will grow up without their mother…fear of having more children in case it does come back. I know all these thoughts and fears are wrong and ridiculous, but I guess its all a part of dealing with this. So more than anything right now I need the Rock in my soul to keep me grounded. To help me fight this battle of sickness and evil. Just recently I have a friend that lives in Israel call me and tell me that I am one step ahead in fighting this because I have my faith. Through that God has given me a huge army of friends and family to join me in this battle. I have struggled with anxiety for years and last night I had my first anxiety attack since finding out I have cancer. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later and I was so scared of being alone with my kids when it did. I wasn’t. I had the arms of my husband, my dad, and my father in Heaven wrapped around me and for the first time I truly felt like everything is going to be ok. I am loved. Jesus loves me so much and has given me so many friends and family that love me. It’s that love that is going to carrying me through this.

Thank you all who are part of that rock in my soul, who are in my army. I will be reminded of you every time I see my tattoo.