Good Grief

I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but haven’t had a chance to sit down and get my thoughts together. I was just inspired by a friend's blog on sorrow to write a blog of my own. So I stopped to think about I’ve been doing since I heard the words, “You are cancer-free”.

What have I been doing? I’ve been grieving.

About a week out of isolation, I was reminded by my doctor and also a therapist that my body and soul just had a traumatic experience. That it is going to take time to get my energy back which requires me to rest…a lot. I just rested for 7 straight days in isolation and without my family. Wasn’t that enough? I’m ready to MOVE ON. To be a mom, a wife, a friend. I’m ready to take care of myself and other people. I can’t. Physically and emotionally, I can’t….at least not right now. That is something I thought I would never have to say and it has depressed me to no end. I had in my mind that after radiation this will all be over and I can go on with my life, keep living my dream, and go after new dreams. I was ready and eager. Two days out of isolation I ended up in the ER because I’m NOT ready…my body and soul needs time to recover. Time that is precious to me as I would know.

For the last month I have bathed in the sorrow of the last year. What a crappy crappy year! Although there were some huge blessings from the year (like the birth of my son!!) all I could think about was the horrible things I had to go through. I became very sad and angry. I cried all the time, I was mean to my family, and just wanted to be alone…for days. It was my time to grieve.

“Unlike the rest of painful human experience, grief is the one that heals all the others. It is the most important pain there is. This is why God calls us to enter into it voluntarily. It heals. It restores. It changes things that have gone bad. It is the only place where we get comforted when things have gone wrong. So God tells us, "Go there."

I am so blessed by a family full of grace and understanding. Over the holidays I had a lot of time to rest, to be alone, and to be down in the dumps while at home in NC. My family took care of me and my kids, and just loved me the way I was. I was afraid to go back home to Nashville, where I would be alone with the kids while Asher is at work, and back in our routine. A routine I am not physically or emotionally able to jump back into. On the drive back home, God solved that problem. My cousin flew in the next day to help me for a week and then my dear friend Melissa moved in for the rest of the month to help.

Since I’ve been back home, I’ve been able to reflect on what God has been teaching me through this time of suffering. He has brought out a lot of things in me that I’ve been hiding from. Character flaws so to speak. ;) Things that I have made my new year resolution to overcome. God has given me courage and strength to believe I can overcome these things. Most of all God has taught me patience. I still have a long ways to go to learn how patience works, but I’m ready to embrace it and just take one day at a time.

So, I've been learning to let today take care of itself. I really want to charge headlong into tomorrow and start doing all that I want to do. I want to run the Country Music 1/2 Marathon. I want to plan my next trip to Africa. I want to work on my "project." and while these are all great things, I will wait. I will rest and listen and let the Lord call me to what He has for me.

Back to Bed for Me

Wellllll, all is still good...let me remind you I am CANCER FREE! I love to scream that every time I say it. :) I have had a little set back though. I started to have some body pain the day after I finished radiation. I was at a friend's house the next morning, twisted my ankle and fell, and the pain just worsened. It got so bad throughout the day that I ended up in the ER last night and came home this morning. They ran a bunch of tests and everything looked ok. I have an infection of some sort, maybe the flu. Between that, still coming off of radiation, and all I've been trying to do, my body just couldn't handle it and shut down. I'm in bed for the next 48 hrs. If the pain is not better by Monday I will call my dr. So needless to say, I had to cancel my Help-Portrait project for today. :( We WILL reschedule though!

While typing this I just got a very disturbing harassment call from a number that when we call back it says it's "disconnected". The guy knew my full name and acted as if we knew each other. I called the police to tell them what happened and they said they wanted to send someone over. Of course this was over an hr ago.

Thankfully I have the most amazing friends and community so I've had and still have someone with me at all times to help me and take care of the kids. Asher has tomorrow off...WOOHOO!

Please pray for my body and our protection. I'm not going to lie, I'm freaked out by this idiot that called.

It IS a Merry Christmas!

The best Christmas present ever....I am sitting with my beautiful children at home after a sweet reunion with them and my husband. The phone rings, it's my doctor, the results of my body scan are in, every thing looks perfect....I AM CANCER-FREE!!! Halleluia, Praise Jesus, You are Good! Merry Christmas to you all and a very Very Happy New Year!!!

Love,

Missy

Day 7: A Big Ole Thank YOU!

I did it! I made it through the 7 days of isolation! Today I just wanted to reflect on HOW I made it through and pay respects where they are due…

Thank you God for loving me, protecting me, blessing me, and comforting me. For giving me the endurance I needed to get through this treatment. For protecting my children and giving them a happy and fun environment to be in while we were away. For giving Asher’s mom the endurance she needs to take care of my children for a month! For keeping my husband strong for us all. For giving him the endurance he needed to get through this as well. Thank you for giving me the most wonderful community to love me and take care of me.

Thank you Asher, for being so strong for us. For making me feel so beautiful. For being patient with me. For encouraging me. For loving me so much and showing me God’s love through all of that. For being the best husband any girl could ever dream of.

Thank you to my doctors, who have made me truly feel I was being given the ultimate care. For answering all my repetitive and worrisome questions and for being so patient with me.

Thank you Mom and Dad, for calling me every day and telling me you love me. For walking with me every step of the way. For comforting me, encouraging me, and just being there.

Thank you Mama Karen, for walking with me through this and being here in spirit every step of the way, encouraging me, and loving me, even when you were dealing with your own cancer.

Thank you to my Mother-n-law and Father-n-law for taking such wonderful care of my children and for making them happy. For taking me in your home while I adjust to being off my medication and loving on me.

Thank you Paul and Talitha, for opening your home to me for a whole week! What a blessing to feel like you are at a bed and breakfast while going through treatment. My really nice environment, talitha taking such good care of me, checking on me, and just being here, truly made this time almost feel like a vacation.

Thank you to ALL of my wonderful, beautiful, generous, words just can’t describe enough, friends, who have brought me meals and other little surprises, for the many words of encouragement, the calls, the letters, the emails, the texts, and the comments. I truly have the best friends in the world.

Thank you to my incredible community. I have met so many people through this time and made so many friends. You all have encouraged and inspired me so much with your own stories, your comments, your emails, and all your acts of kindness. I truly feel blessed and loved so much!

I am at home now, waiting for Asher to drive up any time with our kids. The tears are streaming down my face with excitement and gratitude. All I can say is a big ole thank YOU!

Day 6: I HATE CANCER

Good news, bad news, one thing is for certain... God's love does prevail!

Yesterday, my mom's biopsy on her breast came back negative. Praise God!

Yesterday, a really close friend of mine finds out her grandmother has cancer and was given less than a year to live.

I really just have just three words to describe the day and I want to scream it...I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!!!

The walls are caving in. I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to kiss my husband and have his arms wrapped around me. I'm ready to squeeze Gaia and giggle with her. I'm ready to see Presley's bright smile and snuggle with him. I'm ready to get my body scan on Thursday and for them to tell me the cancer is gone. PLEASE pray that it is gone.

Even though I have found joy in so much during this time, the suffering still hurts. I'm ready for this to all be over. I'm ready to celebrate life this Christmas with my loved ones. I'm ready for the new year...for me, my family, and my friends. I truly believe it IS going to be a good year.

"Never to suffer would never to have been blessed." - Edgar Allan Poe

PS: Asher and our dear friend Randy are on their way to Little Rock right now to pick up our kids and tonight I'm going home. YAY! Tomorrow I can eat normal food again!! SUSHI! (well..i guess that's not really "normal" but it's my favorite and something I was strictly told not to eat during therapy)

Day 5: We Suffer. We Survive. We Speak.

I told my friend that brought me dinner Sunday night about the Help-Portrait project and how I was looking for that one special person to pamper and photograph. She said she had just the right person. I prayed about it and the next morning I woke up thinking about this woman. So I started planning the day. I went non-stop until midnight, full of energy, and got pretty much the whole day planned. We are ALL so excited!

Her name is Tracie Shelby. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. I just found out while talking to her today that she is the Susan G. Komen Survivor of the Year! You can read her story at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tracieshelby I’m waiting until Saturday to hear her story from her.

We are going to start the day getting her a manicure and pedicure. We will then share our stories with each other. After that she will get a facial, hair and make-up done, and then I’ll do a photoshoot to show off her internal and external beauty. After we are done she will relax again for a massage. We will wrap up the day eating some yummy food, singing some songs by the Christmas tree and celebrating. We will celebrate our God, our stories, each other, and Stacie for bringing us all together by letting us show how loved and beautiful she is.

Stacie asked what she can do to help and I told her that a lot of people pampering her on Saturday have suffered and are still suffering from illnesses, past tragedies, and losses. Giving us the opportunity to love her and hear her story and share our own stories is doing so much for us. We are all so blessed to have this opportunity.

Our world is not hearing enough from the ones who are suffering. They need to hear the REAL story. Not only that, the ones suffering don't need to just feel like another "victim", they need to feel truely cared for, loved, and protected. This is why I LOVE the concept of Help-Portriat. I love that they are showing these people how special they really are and also giving them an opportunity to share their story, even if it's just to the people photographing them. A story that will be passed on and passed on.

We suffer. We survive. We speak.

We have some videographers documenting this day so stay tuned for a very powerful video where the scars tell the REAL story, the truth.

Day 4: Bad Day Turned Good

I’m entitled to a bad day right? Well, it actually was a good day, but started off bad. I woke up in pain…A LOT of pain. I’ve been having problems with my shoulder for a few weeks and the night before it started hurting again. I woke up with it hurting and by the afternoon I was in excruciating pain. Tylenol, heating pad, lying still for 2 hrs…nothing was helping. A friend came by and brought me an ice pack, visited with me, prayed for me and an hr later the pain is gone.

The rest of the day was good. I spent the day praying…for a lot of you..and I hope you felt the love! I’m basically going through all my friends on Facebook…reading your statuses and praying specifically for you and your family. I have 750 friends on there and spent 2 1/2 hrs just praying for last names that start with an A or B. So I’m averaging an hr per letter. It’s going to take a few more days to get through the whole alphabet.

Speaking of a few more days…my drs orders contrary to what they told me at the hospital, I have to stay isolated for the full 7 days. I’m ok with that. If the ones at the hospital hadn’t said just 4 days it probably wouldn’t have made me and Asher stop to think about getting our kids back earlier. Well since I started my treatment a day early it worked out that Asher can get the kids on his day off Wednesday, the 7^th day of having to be in isolation. So Thursday morning we will all me together when we wake up and free to hug and love one another. I can’t wait!!! What a wonderful way to step out of isolation. Also…if we had waited until Saturday like originally planned to get the kids, then I would not have been able to be a part of Help-Portrait.

Here are my top 3 favorite facebook statuses I prayed for yesterday....

“just watched a young man in his 20's throw 6 packs of enemas in his grocery cart. Things that make you go hmmm?” -I prayed God will relieve him of all the crap built up in him. Pun intended. God has a sense of humor, right?

“Everything sad is coming untrue” -five words that sums up how I’ve been feeling.

"God definitely has a sense of timing...It looks like we are leaving December 9th. We will get Kayden on December 12th, which is our wedding anniversary. Also, our tentative appointment for our US Consulate appointment is December 22nd. This is when Kayden will become an official US citizen. It also happens to be his 3rd birthday!! Then we arrive home on Christmas Day!! -

-This is a good friend of our family. I look up to him and his family SO much. They are such an inspiration. They have 3 kids from birth, an adopted child from China, and are in the process of adopting another child from China. A child missing both his legs, but on his way to live a wonderful adventurous life full of love. Check out their blog…Our Journey to Kayden