I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but haven’t had a chance to sit down and get my thoughts together. I was just inspired by a friend's blog on sorrow to write a blog of my own. So I stopped to think about I’ve been doing since I heard the words, “You are cancer-free”.
What have I been doing? I’ve been grieving.
About a week out of isolation, I was reminded by my doctor and also a therapist that my body and soul just had a traumatic experience. That it is going to take time to get my energy back which requires me to rest…a lot. I just rested for 7 straight days in isolation and without my family. Wasn’t that enough? I’m ready to MOVE ON. To be a mom, a wife, a friend. I’m ready to take care of myself and other people. I can’t. Physically and emotionally, I can’t….at least not right now. That is something I thought I would never have to say and it has depressed me to no end. I had in my mind that after radiation this will all be over and I can go on with my life, keep living my dream, and go after new dreams. I was ready and eager. Two days out of isolation I ended up in the ER because I’m NOT ready…my body and soul needs time to recover. Time that is precious to me as I would know.
For the last month I have bathed in the sorrow of the last year. What a crappy crappy year! Although there were some huge blessings from the year (like the birth of my son!!) all I could think about was the horrible things I had to go through. I became very sad and angry. I cried all the time, I was mean to my family, and just wanted to be alone…for days. It was my time to grieve.
“Unlike the rest of painful human experience, grief is the one that heals all the others. It is the most important pain there is. This is why God calls us to enter into it voluntarily. It heals. It restores. It changes things that have gone bad. It is the only place where we get comforted when things have gone wrong. So God tells us, "Go there."
I am so blessed by a family full of grace and understanding. Over the holidays I had a lot of time to rest, to be alone, and to be down in the dumps while at home in NC. My family took care of me and my kids, and just loved me the way I was. I was afraid to go back home to Nashville, where I would be alone with the kids while Asher is at work, and back in our routine. A routine I am not physically or emotionally able to jump back into. On the drive back home, God solved that problem. My cousin flew in the next day to help me for a week and then my dear friend Melissa moved in for the rest of the month to help.
Since I’ve been back home, I’ve been able to reflect on what God has been teaching me through this time of suffering. He has brought out a lot of things in me that I’ve been hiding from. Character flaws so to speak. ;) Things that I have made my new year resolution to overcome. God has given me courage and strength to believe I can overcome these things. Most of all God has taught me patience. I still have a long ways to go to learn how patience works, but I’m ready to embrace it and just take one day at a time.
So, I've been learning to let today take care of itself. I really want to charge headlong into tomorrow and start doing all that I want to do. I want to run the Country Music 1/2 Marathon. I want to plan my next trip to Africa. I want to work on my "project." and while these are all great things, I will wait. I will rest and listen and let the Lord call me to what He has for me.
